Understanding What They’re Actually Going Through
Before you can support someone effectively, it helps to understand what’s happening in their world. Criminal proceedings are emotionally exhausting in ways that are hard to grasp unless you’ve been through them. Your friend or family member is likely experiencing a cocktail of fear, shame, anger, and uncertainty that shifts from day to day, sometimes hour to hour.
The fear is obvious. They’re worried about the outcome, about what might happen to their future, their job, their reputation. But shame often runs deeper than people expect. Even when someone knows they’re innocent, or when the charges seem minor, there’s a stigma attached to being involved in criminal proceedings that’s hard to shake. Charges involving assault, domestic assault, or other offences that carry particular social stigma can intensify these feelings. They might feel like they’ve let people down or worry constantly about what others are thinking.
Then there’s the practical disruption. Court dates don’t always fit neatly around work schedules. Meetings with criminal defence lawyers, gathering evidence, preparing statements—all of it piles up alongside their regular responsibilities. Sleep becomes difficult. Concentration wavers. Some people throw themselves into work or other activities to cope, whilst others can barely function. There’s no right or wrong way to handle it, and their response might surprise you.
One thing that catches many supporters off guard is that the person going through proceedings might push you away. They might become distant, irritable, or uncommunicative. This usually isn’t personal. It’s often a coping mechanism, a way of trying to protect themselves or others from the weight of what they’re carrying. The waiting is perhaps the hardest part. Criminal proceedings can drag on for months, sometimes years. That’s months or years of living in limbo, unable to fully move forward whilst this hangs over them.
What to Say (And What Not to Say)
Words matter, particularly in situations like this where emotions run high and everything feels precarious. The most helpful things you can say are often the simplest. “I’m here” tells them they’re not alone without making promises you can’t keep. “What do you need?” gives them agency when so much feels out of their control. “This doesn’t change how I see you” can be incredibly powerful, particularly if shame is eating away at them.
What doesn’t help, despite coming from a good place, are reassurances you can’t possibly guarantee. “Everything will be fine” or “I’m sure they’ll drop the charges” might seem comforting, but they set up false expectations. You don’t know how things will turn out, and neither do they. That uncertainty is part of what makes this so difficult.
Avoid playing armchair lawyer, even if you’ve watched every legal drama ever made or read about similar cases online. “You should tell them this” or “Why don’t you say that?” overlooks the fact that they have actual legal professionals advising them who understand the nuances of their specific situation. Your opinions, however well-intentioned, can add confusion or stress.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is listen without trying to fix anything. They might need to vent, to go over the same worries repeatedly, to express anger or frustration. You don’t need to have solutions. You don’t need to make it better. Sometimes being a safe person to talk to is the most valuable thing you can offer. That said, respect their privacy. If they don’t want to discuss details, don’t push. Some people process things internally, and that’s okay too.
Practical Ways to Help
Offers of help are lovely, but vague ones like “Let me know if you need anything” often go untaken. When someone’s overwhelmed, identifying what they need and then asking for it feels like another task on an already impossible list. Specific offers work better. “Can I come to court with you on Thursday?” or “I’m making dinner this week, what night can I bring some over?” gives them something concrete to say yes or no to.
Think about the practicalities of daily life that might be falling by the wayside. If they have children, could you help with school runs or childcare on court dates? Could you give them a lift to legal appointments so they don’t have to worry about parking or arriving stressed? These small acts of service can remove pressure from someone who’s already juggling too much.
If they’re comfortable with it, offer to help keep track of important dates. Court dates, solicitor meetings, deadlines for submitting information. When you’re in the thick of it, these things can slip through the cracks, and missing something can have real consequences. A simple “I’ve put your court date in my calendar, do you want me to remind you the day before?” can be genuinely helpful.
Perhaps most importantly, try to be the normal in their life. When everything feels chaotic and uncertain, maintaining some regular activities can be an anchor. If you usually meet for coffee on Saturdays, keep doing that if they’re up for it. If you have a standing cinema date or play football together, don’t assume they want to cancel everything. Sometimes an hour of normality is the best gift you can give.
Supporting Them Through Key Stages
After Arrest or Charge
The initial period after arrest or charge is often characterised by shock and crisis mode. They might be dealing with practical matters like finding a solicitor, understanding what they’ve been charged with, and trying to process what’s happened. Your role here is often about steady presence. Check in regularly, even if it’s a quick text. Let them know you’re there.
During the Wait
This is the long middle period, and it’s gruelling. The initial adrenaline has worn off, but there’s no resolution in sight. Ongoing anxiety becomes the new normal. During this phase, consistent, low-key support matters. Don’t disappear because you’re not sure what to say. Even mundane messages about everyday life can remind them that the world is still turning and they’re still part of it.
Around Court Dates
Court dates are particularly stressful. If they want company, being willing to sit in the public gallery or wait outside the courtroom can mean everything. You’re not there to observe or judge, you’re there to be a familiar face in an intimidating environment. Afterwards, follow their lead. They might want to debrief, or they might want to talk about literally anything else. Both are fine.
If There’s a Conviction
This is when your support becomes crucial in a different way. There’s grief involved in a conviction, grief for the future they thought they had, for opportunities that might be affected, for how they see themselves. Don’t minimise it or rush them through it. Practical support with understanding next steps, adjusting to new circumstances, and eventually looking forward becomes important here.
If They’re Acquitted
You might expect relief and celebration if charges are dropped or they’re found not guilty, and there often is. But recovery isn’t always immediate. They’ve still been through a traumatic process. They might feel angry about what they’ve endured, anxious about lingering reputational effects, or struggle to settle back into normal life. Don’t be surprised if the aftermath is more complicated than you anticipated.
Looking After Their Wellbeing
Keep an eye out for signs that they’re really struggling, but do it gently. Are they withdrawing from everyone? Have they stopped doing things they normally enjoy? Are they drinking more or sleeping a lot less? You’re not their therapist, but you can notice when things seem to be getting worse rather than better.
If you’re concerned, it’s okay to say so. “I’ve noticed you seem really down lately, have you thought about talking to someone?” opens the door without being pushy. Many people going through criminal proceedings benefit from professional support, whether that’s counselling, therapy, or support groups. You can encourage this without making them feel broken or inadequate.
Routine and normality are protective factors for mental health, particularly during uncertain times. If they’ve stopped exercising, seeing friends, or doing hobbies, gentle encouragement to reengage with these things can help. But respect their capacity. Some days getting out of bed is an achievement, and that’s alright.
Help them stay connected to others if they want to. Isolation makes everything harder. But this is a careful balance, they might not want everyone to know what’s happening, and that’s their choice to make. You can facilitate connection with people they trust without broadcasting their situation.
Navigating Your Own Feelings
Supporting someone through criminal proceedings stirs up your own emotional response, and you’re allowed to have complicated feelings about it. You might feel worried, frustrated, protective, confused, or even angry, depending on the circumstances. These feelings don’t make you a bad friend or family member. They make you human.
It’s possible to support someone criminal proceedings whilst also setting boundaries. You can care deeply about them whilst also recognising that you have limits to what you can handle. If constant phone calls at 2 am are affecting your own well-being, it’s okay to say “I want to be there for you, but I need to keep evenings after 10 pm for sleep.” Good boundaries actually make you a more sustainable source of support during criminal proceedings.
You might need your own outlet for processing this. That’s tricky because you need to respect their privacy and confidentiality. But you might have someone in your life, perhaps a therapist or counsellor, who you can talk to in general terms about the stress of supporting someone through a difficult situation. You don’t need to share identifying details to get support for yourself.
Sometimes, despite your best efforts and intentions, supporting someone through this becomes too much. Maybe it’s affecting your mental health, your work, or your other relationships in ways that aren’t sustainable. It’s okay to acknowledge that. Stepping back doesn’t mean you don’t care. It might mean suggesting other sources of support or being honest about what you can and can’t offer right now.
Understanding the Legal Side (Without Overstepping)
One of the most important things you can do is understand your role, and your role isn’t to be their solicitor. Even if you work in law, even if you’ve been through something similar, even if you’ve done hours of research, you don’t have the full picture of their case or the expertise to advise them properly.
What you can do is encourage them to lean on proper legal representation. Having a good solicitor makes an enormous difference to both the outcome and the experience of going through criminal proceedings. If they don’t have one yet, or if they’re unsure about the one they have, encouraging them to seek proper legal advice is supportive without overstepping.
When they’re worried about something legal, the best response is often “That sounds like something to discuss with your solicitor.” This isn’t dismissive. It’s directing them to the person who can actually help with that particular concern. Firms like Podmore Legal specialise in guiding people with both legal expertise and understanding of the human impact, which is exactly the combination someone needs during Criminal Proceedings.
You can help by encouraging them to be honest and thorough with their legal team, to keep appointments, to provide information when requested, and to ask questions when they don’t understand something. This practical encouragement supports their legal defence without you trying to manage it yourself.
The Long View: Support Beyond the Proceedings
Criminal proceedings are a chapter in someone’s life, not the defining story. When you’re in the middle of it, that’s hard to believe. The proceedings can feel all-consuming, like they’ll never end and nothing will ever be normal again. But they do end, and life does continue.
Your support helps them get through this chapter and whatever comes after. Whether the outcome is what they hoped for or something they need to adjust to, having people who stuck by them makes an enormous difference to how they recover and move forward. The relationships that survive this period often become stronger for it.
After everything is resolved, don’t expect them to immediately bounce back or want to forget it happened. They might need time to process and integrate this experience. They might have practical matters to deal with related to the outcome. Or they might want to put it behind them completely and never speak of it again. Follow their lead.
Maintaining the relationship after criminal proceedings end matters. Don’t let the intensity of this period be the only thing that connected you. Get back to the friendship or family relationship you had before, or build a new version of it that acknowledges what you’ve both been through.
What Really Matters
Supporting someone through criminal proceedings is genuinley challenging. There will be moments when you don’t know what to do or say, when you feel helpless or frustrated, when you wonder if you’re helping at all. That’s normal.
The thing is, your presence matters more than having all the answers. Showing up, even imperfectly, counts for more than you probably realise. Being someone who doesn’t judge, who doesn’t disappear, who remembers that they’re more than this situation, that’s what makes a real difference.
They need professional legal support to navigate the legal system, that’s non-negotiable. But they need human support to navigate the emotional reality of going through it. That’s where you come in. You’re not there to fix it or solve it. You’re there to remind them they’re not alone in it.
Trust yourself. You care enough to be reading this, which means you care enough to do this well. You won’t get everything right, and that’s alright. Keep showing up, keep offering what you can, and know that it matters more than you think.
